Monday, July 20, 2009

Feeling like..the worst is about to come!

Dear God!

Okay where do i even begin?..I sure was hoping this week would have started off as a better week, but that just isnt in the cards for me..I'm gonna need awhole support sytem to get me through these next long 15 months, and if i dont have that i feel the worst is gonna come!..Its truly just not the deployment, yes of course im scared, im gonna fail, or mess up, of course im scared something is gonna happen to kevin!..Of course me and the kids are gonna miss him horribly, But of course all of those things play a part in how i feel today...But the feeling is so much more powerful! and painful that im starting to question myself..I feel like im starting to get depressed again after almost 18months of not having a breakdown!,,Although im no where i was 18months ago..But stressed leads to depression and depression leads to other things.....

So my kids have been keeping me super busy!...Where my mind never stops and my body never slows down..I know i chose to have all 4 of them, and i love each of them with every beat of my heart and will fill my duties on being the best mother i can be....But one person can only take so much of stress that the mind loses control n the body takes over!

The other day while food shopping they promised to be good and listen to me...While we were there, all they did was not listen, they ran up and down the asile, blocking people's way...Putting things in the cart they wernt suppose too..And of course they are just kids right? So i tell them please stop and stand next to mommy so people can get through of course they pretended not to hear me!..And do what they say! and it just seem like my children were the only ones acting like that...My oldest son kept hitting his brother loggy and they of course fight 24/7 as it is anyways so that didnt make things any better, after begging them to please stop i lose it and slap my son landon on his butt, just to have him scream and throw his fits and hit the food, and scream and say"This is why i hate my mom"..he contuined to just keep saying mean things to me!...after all i do for that boy and he treats me like that!...How in the world do you make 4 kids listen to you when they think they rule the world!..i had already had enough and was ready to just put the food back and leave...While i was checking out they decided they didnt wanna stand next to me so they kept runing off, the lady behind me was saying to her husband..."Oh my i feel sorry for her" have her say something like that, totaly made me look and feel more as the BABYSITTER, rather then the mother...its just been bad, and then of course my daughter is getting to that age where she thinks its ok to run her mouth, but to big to be whipped....

So on top of that, i have a husband who is leaving me in about a month for 15months!....I just dont know understand how, when you love someone so much that its gonna be so easy for them to just walk away!...I know the month of aug is coming up real soon, and the least i wanna hear or talk about is him leaving, he just dont understand that not only is he leaving me with a broken heart,to deal with but he is leaving me with 4 little babies who i have to somehow explain to them, how long 15months is and why he is leaving...Then on top of that i have to be the mom and dad in one for the next year in half...I totaly understand im not the only wife out here that is going through this, crap ive been through it before, but i was such a stronger person back then, then i am now...Ive been fighting depression for almost two years now, although i can play it off, like im okay,...But no one knows what it is like in the middle of the night for me..And thats just something i chose not to share!...Ive been thinking i wann be in a better place, im tired of doing the same thing everyday of my life, my life is like a calendar..everyday its the excat same thing...Im tired of being here!...And being stressed and depressed and having to but on a brave face for the people that mean the most to you...But no one knows what it is like fighting depression inless you have fought it before, it dont go away over night and sometimes it never goes away....I just chose to deal with mine in a different way,then taking pills for it!...I have two people that i love with all my heart and a niece..And pills havve destroyed their lives and i wont do that to my children!,...

Everyone around me acts like this is no big deal and im this strong person who doesnt have feelings!...But i am not, im a very weak person inside and cant take much these days before i break down....But all though there is nothing i can do to make him change his mind or them change there mind so im gonna have to accept what life brings for us....And know what dont break us will make us stronger!.....i just wish there was someway i just couldnt care so i wouldnt have to go through so much pain!..cause its not fair at all no one should have to hurt!...i will always remmeber what one of my best friends told me.....

"To the world you might only be one"
"But to one you are the world"

And at last.....Im trying to overpower my emotionals because ive decided to let my daughter go to tx with my neice and her boyfriend on wednesday.this is gonna be hard for me, because i have never left my children more then 3 days at a time, and one time was because i didnt have a choice, and the 2nd was because my baby!...Because she has nevre been away from me that long...But she loves morgan and shawn so im gonna let her visit!...PleaSE god make sure everything is gonna be okay..Sis take care of my baby ..gosh im gonna ball my eyes out!...With stressed, depression, deployment and my daughter leaving not sure how much more one person will beable to take but i will just have to wait for tomorrow and see what it brings

God Blessd

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